


The Ghost of Him

by mxddy_730



Series: The Ghost of What We Could've Been [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Breifly mentions of bokuto, M/M, akaashi - Freeform, and lev, yaku - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28206924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxddy_730/pseuds/mxddy_730
Summary: Kenma silently loves Kuroo and decides to confess a little too late
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: The Ghost of What We Could've Been [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068533
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	The Ghost of Him

**Author's Note:**

> All credit for this idea goes to @sangwoos.metal.bat on tik tok!!
> 
> Tw: suicide/eating disorder
> 
> PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THAT IS SOMETHING YOU CANNOT READ.

All credit goes to @sangwoos.metal.bat on tik tok for the idea! 

Tw: suicide/self-harm *warnings will also be placed before the topic comes up*

~~~ 

It's Kuroo's final year in high school, the graduation date is approaching rapidly and Kenma had no idea how to deal with it. Kuroo was always the one to look after Kenma, making sure he ate, slept, and stayed hydrated. Although Kenma never expressed it, he always appreciated Kuroo reminding him of the little things. 

He'd be long gone in his own bubble if Kuroo hadn't kept a guiding hand on Kenma all these years. 

"Kenma!" Kuroo said with a smile. Kuroo was proud of himself for getting through high school. It wasn't easy but his team and Kenma made it bearable. "Kuroo." Kenma said. 

"So, whatcha gonna get me for graduation?" Kuroo asked and latched his arm around Kenma's shoulders. "I haven't thought about it, get off Kuroo." Kenma said and shrugged him off. He'd never allow himself to admit that he loved the older boy. His anxiety always shot through the roof at the thought of it. 

"Don't be like that, Kenma!" Kuroo said. Kenma shrugged and turned back to his game. They walked into Kenma's room, Kuroo laid down on the bed while Kenma sat on the edge. 

"Hey, I'll still call and text you even if I'm away," Kuroo said. Kenma froze, he never gave it much thought. 

He didn't want to think about it. A year without Kuroo, without the boy who keeps him alive, without his personal reason to actually keep living. 

~~~ 

It was finally the day of Kuroo's graduation. Kenma sat in his seat with the crowd, clutching tightly on the sleeves of Kuroo's hoodie. 

_ Lavender and cedarwood  _

He tried his best not to pull out his game, he wanted to see Kuroo walk the stage. Kenma fidgeted in his seat, this was the longest he's gone without playing his game, besides being on the volleyball court. His eyes darted everywhere, he was hyper aware of every little thing; every movement, every voice, every person sitting or standing. 

The ceremony had started, the principal, vice principal, valedictorian, and salutatorian giving their speeches before the counselor started calling the names of the 3rd years. 

When Kenma heard Kuroo's name being called, he looked at the rooster haired boy standing up and smiled softly. 

His best friend was walking to the stage, shaking hands with a wide smile. Kuroo's eyes scanned the crowd, landing on the pudding haired boy he came to love. He motioned his rolled certificate towards him and held up his hand, his thumb connected with his ring finger. It was something only they did, symbolizing that they were proud of one another. 

Kenma smiled back at him, raising his hand to match Kuroo's hand. They had long established that hand motion. It started small, Kenma thought it was something silly but when Kenma had his anxiety attacks, he found comfort in the movement. 

Kenma went back into his anxious mindset when Kuroo sat back down, he wanted everything to be over already. 

After the ceremony ended, Kenma headed outside the auditorium, looking for Kuroo and hugging him as soon as he found him. 

"Hey Ken," Kuroo said. He had his stupid wide smile on his face. "Congrats, Kuroo." Kenma said. He stepped back from the hug and looked down. 

His mind flooded with thoughts of next year. He'd be alone with no one to walk to school, no one to remind of his needs to eat, sleep, or drink water. 

"Stop overthinking Kenma, I'll keep in touch with you," Kuroo said. Kenma sighed and nodded, he hoped Kuroo would keep his word. 

The two boys met with the rest of Kuroo's family and headed out to a restaurant to eat dinner as a celebration for Kuroo's graduation.

~~~ 

Kenma now started his third year. He was late the first day because he waited for Kuroo to pick him up before he remembered Kuroo had already left. The contact was minimal, Kuroo would text back every now and then with short responses. 

Kenma's heart ached, he loved the boy dearly but he was too scared to say it. Everyday became harder for Kenma. He didn't have Kuroo to calm him down, to remind him everything is okay. His anxiety was worse now, he developed an eating disorder. 

He spent days with no sleep, no food, and very little water. He could no longer play volleyball, it hurt him too much. He tried to call Kuroo multiple times, but Kuroo was too busy with college to answer. 

Had it not been for the hope he had to see Kuroo during winter break, Kenma would probably fall deeper into depression. 

He made up his mind to confess to Kuroo before he could regret not telling him. 

His mind went back to the letter he wrote for Kuroo on his desk, he wanted to give it to him after confessing. 

Kenma was excited to see his best friend, to hug him, to tell him he loved him, but that excitement faded away when he opened the door to see Kuroo and Alisa standing there. 

"Kenma! It's been so long!" Kuroo said and hugged him tightly. Kenma slowly hugged him back, still not processing why Alisa was there. 

"Remember Alisa? She's my girlfriend now!" Kuroo said with a smile. Alisa smiled and hugged Kenma, but he didn't hug back. 

"Wow, that's great. I'm happy for you," Kenma said. The years of not showing emotion came into play as he hid his pain so well from Kuroo. 

Kenma felt the invisible rope that held him together rip. The reason he stayed alive was now gone with someone else. The person he loved was in love with someone else and it broke Kenma. He was too late, he lost Kuroo to someone so beautiful and smart. How could he compete with a model when he could barely take care of himself? 

**Tw: suicide**

Kenma's heart ached so much more. It hurt him so much and he couldn't deal with it. He felt like his breath was being taken away as he watched Kuroo and Alisa look so in love on his couch. Kenma excused himself from the two saying he was tired and he wanted to sleep. 

It was true, Kenma did want to sleep, but he never wanted to wake up again. 

He closed his bedroom door, heading to his bathroom and pulling out a bottle of pills. 

He couldn't live a life without the one he loved. His heart hurt, his thoughts were too loud, he was shaking, crying, panting. 

"I love you Kuroo," one pill. 

"I'm sorry I'm not enough," two more pills. 

"I waited too long," a handful of pills. 

"I can't live a life where I watch you with someone else," the bottle of pills. 

He took a gulp from the water bottle on the bedside table and laid in bed. 

He cried as his chest and head began to hurt, his breathing sped up, his pulse slowed down. His pupils dilated while his body temperature dropped. He noticed his skin color begin to pale as his consciousness started fading away. 

"I love you, Kuroo, but I can't live a life where you belong to someone else." Kenma whispered. He took his final breath and closed his eyes, his tears stopped flowing as he let go of his life. 

~~~ 

Kuroo didn't think anything about Kenma going to sleep early, he thought he'd finally changed. It was a couple hours later, around eleven at night when he went to check on Kenma. 

"Kenma? Are you awake?" There was no response. Kuroo knocked again before opening the door. 

He saw the younger boy laying in bed, looking peaceful. He looked closer and noticed his tear stained face and pale skin. 

"Kenma?" He asked as he walked closer. He placed a hand on Kenma's forehead and felt it cold. "Kenma?" Kuroo said again and turned him to make him lay on his back. 

Kenma was unresponsive and Kuroo became worried. He shook the boy, hoping he'd wake up but when he got no response his heart began to race. He walked into the bathroom to get some water to splash on Kenma's face when he saw the orange bottle of prescription pills on the counter. 

It was empty. 

Kuroo's eyes went wide, he hoped he was wrong. He rushed to Kenma, feeling his neck and wrist for a pulse he couldn't find. 

"No, Kenma, it's just a joke sick joke right? Please, please, please, wake up." Kuroo pleaded as he desperately searched for a pulse that wasn't there. His heart shattered and his eyes watered. 

He let out a pained scream, falling on his knees and crying. "Kenma please!" He yelled. Alisa rushed into the room, finding Kuroo on the floor and Kenma laying in bed. 

"Baby? What's wrong?" Alisa asked as she knelt beside him. 

"H-he's gone." Kuroo whispered. He was crying hard, he couldn't believe his best friend was dead. Alisa was the one that noticed the letter sitting on top of Kenma's desk. 

She grabbed it and pulled Kuroo away, calling an ambulance to take Kenma away. 

That day, Kuroo shut everyone out, he quit volleyball and closed himself off with the world. 

Alisa broke up with him a month later saying he changed. 

"I've already lost the person most important to me." Kuroo said in response to Alisa. 

Kuroo fell deep into depression after Kenma died, he attended his funeral and tried to speak, but he couldn't. His friends tried to check up on him but he pushed them away. 

The letter Alisa got that day was sat on his bed, unopened. 

He wiped his face and picked up, deciding to read it. 

_ Rooster head, my best friend...  _

_ When you left for college, I'll admit I was sad. I didn't know how to handle things on my own. Everything was difficult, my anxiety worsened, I fell into depression, I stopped eating, got little to no sleep, and had very little water. I know it's stupid of me, but I realized that I relied on you heavily. I felt at peace with you, comfortable, happy. I think that's what made me fall in love. You were always there for me when I was alone, you reminded me to take care of myself, you helped me through my anxiety attacks. For that I thank you. I know I never said it but I truly appreciate everything you've done for me. I know college is hard, so I'm not mad at you for not texting back frequently. I hope we can room together next year! I really love you Kuroo, I'm sorry I waited so long but I hope we can be together!  _

_ Kenma  _

Kuroo cried harder at the end of the letter. His best friend loved him back but he lost him before he could say it. "Damn it Kenma, why did you wait? Why did I wait? Why couldn't I have said it first?!" Kuroo yelled as he pulled his knees to his chest. 

He had gotten no sleep for days, all the crying made his head hurt. He looked up and saw a hallucination of Kenma sitting in front of him. 

"K-kenma?" He asked, his voice was shaky and broken. 

_ "Kuroo, what's wrong?" _

"What do you mean what's wrong? I fucking miss you!" Kuroo hissed out. 

_ "But how could you? I'm always with you."  _

"No you're not." Kuroo said and looked away. 

_ "But I am. I watch over you everyday. It hurts seeing you like this, Kuroo. Don't give up, yet." _

"So you can give up but I can't?" Kuroo asked. 

_ "I'm sorry," Kenma's voice was soft, apologetic, sad.  _

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I just miss you, Kenma. Everyday that goes by and you're not here with me physically hurts so much. I just want you back." Kuroo cried. 

_ "Kuroo, I may not be with you physically, but I'm always with you in spirit. I want you to promise to get better, to start eating and sleeping, to continue with your studies, to get a job, get your degree, go back to being the you I fell in love with, and live your life out for me. Can you do that for me, Kuroo? I know you miss me but I always watch over you. I'll visit your dreams at night and be your guardian during the day. Bokuto and Akaashi miss you. Yaku and Lev want to see you again. I know you can pull yourself back together, Kuroo. So promise me, yeah?"  _

Kuroo sat in silence, his mind was completely convinced that Kenma was there, sitting in front of him. His tears came to a stop as he unconsciously calmed down with the voice of the projecting image of the pudding haired boy he loved. 

"Okay," he whispered. "I promise." 

_ "I love you Kuroo. Maybe if you have a kid you could name him after me," a sweet and gentle smile was displayed.  _

Kuroo gave a small laugh and a smile, nodding. The ghost of Kenma's hand lingered on Kuroo's cheek and he sat in place, desperately wanting to feel the touch before the hallucination faded away, leaving him in an empty dorm room. 

Kuroo was once again left with the ghost of his best friend, but he kept his promise to the Kenma that lived in his mind. He graduated college with the highest grades, and works for the Japan Volleyball Association Sports Promotion Division. He began to talk to his friends again, hanging out with them and rebuilding his friendships. 

It took him a while to get the closure he needed. In a better mental state, he opened up about what happened to Bokuto and Akaashi. He cried when he spoke, but he felt like the weight on his shoulders had been lifted. That night he laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. 

"I did it Kenma. I finally talked about what happened, about my thoughts and feelings. I have a job I love now, with my friends supporting me. I'm in a better mental state, Kenma. Are you still watching? I'll keep talking about the young boy I once knew and loved and how he was the best person I ever had. I hope you aren't still playing games wherever you are," Kuroo said with a small laugh. 

He placed his thumb with his ring finger and lifted his hand, "watch over me as I tell your story." 

_ Happy tears spilled from the ghost of Kenma that lingered around Kuroo. "You did it, Kuroo." He copied Kuroo's hand and placed it over his. "I promise to always watch you until we meet again."  _

**Author's Note:**

> So you made it to the end! I tried to to make it somewhat happy because it hurt writing :(
> 
> I hope you liked it though!
> 
> I'm working on a part 2 that'll have a better character development for kuroo!!!!


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